I

I haven't posted in quite a while and fankly....it's been a long road on which I have traveled. The Beast, my honorable and loving Beast has withdrawn from me totally.  He's taken himself to a place I cannot travel with him and I am lonely. Very, very lonely. I totally get why women find lovers.  I need to be cared for and loved, honored and cherished and truthfully him and our 3 boys just take advantage. They think they are being silent or honorable but really it just feels like desolation. I am defeated, dishonored and sad. This is my end I think...the end of me trying to find the peace I seek in D/s. It will NEVER happen because ultimately Beast will never be okay with it and I just have to live with that. I am not important enough to drop what is in his mind and focus on what I need. I just feel sick now. Puky and done but that really means, puke your guts out, get the kids to bed and then if you still feel icky snuggle up to me so I can help you get to sleep which he can't do. I'm just sad...sad that my life has come to this. Sad that it's never going to be different and that Beast really cares more about Candy Crush than he does about how I feel. Welcome to my man dominated world!

I can't help but think this is punishment for my previous life. Ugggnhhh

I was so wrong

I was really wrong in my last post. I know that next to no one is reading this so I feel at this point that I can be free with my thoughts...today we had a break through. He said some things, I said some things and it all came together. We are still working on it. I am feeling more and more submissive every day and he is working really hard to be my Dom. I find that my submission comes most often when I am honest with myself and with him.
He has always been such a good man. A gentle man and a loving man. He was controlled and had a domineering mother who to this day remains steadfast in her ways. My Beast however is coming out of his shell. This may be TMI but I am at the tail end of my period. He always has Wednesday off but we had a kid home today with a new painful orthodontic appliance so we let him stay home. We couldn't play or have snuggle time. I went to the gym (I'm trying to lose the last of the weight I put on so many years ago) and I had a great workout with my trainer and on the treadmill. I came home and the boy was playing a video game, Beast was on the computer so I went about my business.
Beast came into our room and wanted to snuggle. He forgot that I was at the tail end of my period. I didn't know how to say "yucky Beast...it makes me feel dirty to bleed on you." Instead of sharing those thoughts I just pretended to be asleep. He later came in and said that he had wanted to ask me to get him off, but went to shower and did it himself. Very unsatisfying...well that won't do. I shared with him how I felt we could better improve our communication on all things D/s and he agreed...he really agreed!!! Oh heaven! I was giddy. So giddy in fact that I went into the bathroom, removed said device trapping the offending fluid and gave myself over to his base desire. It was fantastic...primal and sexy. His grunting made me more horny. I wanted him all over me, everywhere...in my soul. It was liberating. After, a shower where I cleaned him with all the love I have in my heart.
Hours later after all our boys were home and doing the things they do I entered our room once again and presented my breasts to him. He was leaving for an appointment but I couldn't get enough. This is so unlike me but I just need him so much...
I got to my knees and presented as I have read so many of my sub blog friend talk about. With all the love I could convey I watched as he pulled his belt apart, unzipped his jeans and removed himself from his boxer briefs. He was hard and long and delectable. I took the length of him into my mouth and felt enormous satisfaction when his eyes closed as I gazed up at him from the floor. He pulled my mouth onto him more deeply and held my head steady with his strong arms while fucking my face. I was instantly transported to another place. Bliss is what I can describe it as...deep satisfaction, even when I gagged on his hard length. I very rarely get to suck him off and he has only come in my mouth maybe once or twice in 19 years...but tonight...oh tonight he let me taste him and it was amazingly glorious...salty, sweet and a bit of rustic manliness. I am floating on a cloud right now.
We are getting there. Slowly, in a calculating fashion, but we own it. It's ours. I'm so euphoric right now...I want to lie in his arms and be naked up against his strong body. Bummer he has things to do. Next week, oh glory be, next week he has the whole week off work and the boys are in school. I will go to the gym every day and then I am his for the remaining hours. I can't wait to see what he has in store. I can't wait to see what my submission means to him.
Beast is my everything...my one and only and my forever. However and whenever I can have the pleasure of entertaining him.

Longing and ultimately losing

It has been a long while since I have posted my thoughts here. Since I am sure no one is reading it I feel no sense of urgency to write. However tonight I feel a need. I deep need. I would call it a feral need to share something that has long since been buried in the recesses of my soul.
Okay...so I am feeling dramatic. It's what I am, and since I am dramatic let's just get it out on the table. I have made a huge mistake that I can't take back. I made the choice to share something I feel I deeply need and it has been denied. Not only denied but out right ignored and pushed aside. I am a SUBMISSIVE. I will always be that. I have played many, many roles in my life but I am convinced...at the age of 45, and maybe for the first time in my life I know what I am and what I feel I need and it just doesn't matter to anyone but me. Not one bit. I shared months ago with "Beast" that I am sure I need a DOMINANT. Someone to dominate me, to manage me and help to control me. He just CANNOT DO IT. It is not within his nature, his power or his desire to do it. He doesn't get it. He's tried...God love him he's tried, half heartedly as it appears to me, but he's tried but it's not possible. So I have been left with a awful choice. A horrible choice, a painful and deep down horribly painful choice...deny who I am, what I need and what I desire MOST in my life or honor and love him regardless of my predilections and needs. I have fallen on the proverbial sword and ultimately have chosen the only real choice I have. I choose to love him and our 3 boys above myself. I choose to love and serve them above me...isn't that ultimate act of submission? Probably not in this instance because truth be told I am frustrated, angry and resentful and I hold it all inside. Letting off the steam once in a while when I have a moment alone where it's safe. Usually in a flood of sloppy sobbing tears. The worst part is the anxiety and panic that comes with this deep seated unfulfilled need. I feel a horrible pressure to be the glue in our family.
I am desperately in need of a man to dominate me, love me and protect me from my demons and maybe myself. My Beast can't do that. It's not him or in his nature and really I have to admit that on some level I chose wrong at some point. He cannot or won't be what I need, but I have chosen to deny myself and honor my commitment and truly remember the deep love that I feel for him regardless of what I feel I truly and deeply need.
Part of me is resentful. I have told him a million and one times what I need what I want and what I desire and he just doesn't try in my estimation. I get angry and resentful and then push those feelings away. It's not truly his fault. I didn't know long ago what I needed when we decided to marry and have a family. We are 18 years into this marriage and he is not willing to change and I am willing to submit to the fact. Is this the ultimate act of submission....I don't know. What I do know is I want that thing that only a true M/s or D/s can experience and I know now that I will NEVER EVER get that even if I dream, beg hope and pray. It's just out of my reach and I can't leave the men I have invested and offered myself to for so many years even if it ultimately means I am lost and alone.

That's what it feels like...lost and alone in my own special circle of Hell that I can't ever escape from, and no one knows or cares that I am in this soul sucking place because everyone in this house is happy as a clam with me. I cook and clean, fix boo boos, work outside the house and give my body to Beast all the while feeling like an unfulfilled slave and shell of a woman I could have been.

Angry Much?

I haven't blogged in quite a long while. Not sure why...well maybe I am. I have been frustrated. Frustrated and angry with life and with what Beast and I have or for lack of a better way to put it, have NOT been doing.  We have fallen back into old habits, not engaging in actively trying to create a good power exchange and I have been depressed about it. Beast is NOT a dominate by nature. Let me say that another way. He is not a dominate in the way that most would see. I see it, sometimes, glimpses of the man that I need. It kills me when I see him dominating a room, commanding in his quiet way.
I'm just beyond frustrated and I don't know if I will ever recover. We celebrated 18 years yesterday.  I'm trying to figure out how to handle what's happening. It weighs heavy, so very heavy. This kind of stress takes a toll on the body too. Not a good time of year to be feeling like this.
Praying for a better new year. Will keep on posting just to hear myself think.

Culture clash and the power exhange.

I realize that it doesn't occur to many that when you belong to someone in all ways in life, like in a marriage, that you each become responsible for one another as well as just for self.  Our culture puts so much emphasis on women being independent and not needing a man to "fulfill" them or care for them-but I call bullshit. Maybe I am crazy or just getting older but I cannot understand how we can deny what is right in front of us. Seriously, why do books like 50 shades and all the other wonderful romance, BDSM, Erotica and Kink books out there get called "mommy porn" and why are moms reading them so veraciously. Hmmmm, maybe one reason is because they scratch that itch that women have to be cherished, loved and cared for. Christian Grey has become a sort of symbol for what women fantasize about however unrealistic it is. It drives Beast absolutely insane at the thought of CG being a fantasy for anyone, let alone me, and yes, he read all 3 books. He really is that composite of the Alpha male that many women are drawn to.
Now, for some of us who are attempting to embrace a power exchange type of relationship, the switch from vanilla is hard. Years of  being "socially acceptable" in all things flies in the face of the notion of BDSM in most people's minds. Let me explain...

I grew up in a repressed, protestant, father domineering(not dominant), emotionally stunted household. That is what I learned from the beginning. I was beaten in name of God and told that I could have no opinion. I was told that sex was slutty, and whorish if you weren't married. I was condemned for being sexually curious and experimenting as a young person.
So that being true, what about the BDSM lifestyle is so appealing? Beast has  asked me this on many occasions so I started to mull over the notion in my head. He could not-and frankly in many ways, still can't wrap his mind around the idea that being given expectation, spankings and rough scenes in our bedroom can be not only cathartic for me but also healing and arousing all at the same time.  He didn't get it, maybe he still doesn't because the Power Exchange I crave is something Beast shies away from even though I am most happy in a submissive role. I accept some responsibility for this in that up until that last 2 years, I have been Topping from the bottom for our whole relationship, so to speak. I would give the reigns only to snatch them back and control the situation. That's what this damaged little girl did. I was acting like a little girl that I was never allowed to be. The little girl that craved boundaries along with the affection or "after-care" that I was built for. I never got to enjoy that as a child or a young adult...I was a mess, but the erotic, alpha male, take charge characters I was reading not only intrigued me but they excited me and made me see that I wanted more. So much more. I wanted to let go and let someone I totally trust be in command. I just love it when it happens.
Beast is my best friend and we operate on several different levels. We were friends first in college. We worked together with kids so we have been colleagues in the past, and we are lovers and parents. We have never had trouble in the friend department. We are really good at that. We have fun together and we love being around each other. A great foundation!
Beast is 2 years younger than me- I can't believe I turned 45 this year and we are just working on this now...uhhggg! Ode to be in my 20's when I had my 50 shades epiphany  He grew up in a very happy household with a mom who dominates EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING-and she's a whopping 4'10"...Maybe it's like "little dog syndrome" who knows. Anyway, Beast's dad doesn't have an Alpha bone in his body. Beast never learned how to be an Alpha, but I think he wants to learn to help me, to help us. Just the dialogue has helped. Our sex life sure improved when I shed the repressed, sexually stagnated, fearful personality I was gifted from childhood...and so the Power Exchange I crave continues to evolve. We are figuring it out...it is just taking more time than I hoped it would, but change takes time.

Beautiful Surrender

I have been struggling the past few days. Struggling with topping from the bottom. I have done it for years and it just drives B crazy! Absolutely insane. The amazing thing is that he holds it in, and he has held it in for years. He finally called me on it, called it what it was. It made me hot that he called it what it was! How is that just words do that to me?

So these past few moments we have had together have hit a all new level for me. I suggest a wooden spoon, a crop some pain play. I thought he was afraid to try it for fear of hurting me. Turns out, he is okay with it....big big smile on my face right now! The sting brings me so much closer to that place that brings me heightened  joy and pleasure. It relieves a deep need that only he can touch, a itch only Beast can scratch!  Last night we were sort of pressed for time, but he made time for me. Actually made time to take care of me first. He knew what I needed,  he really did. He knows the 'rents are about to arrive and that is a tense situation to say the least. He knew I was tense, that the wild monkeys were driving me to my breaking point. He relieved my tension. He knew...he knows. He is still learning how to weld his power but he just...knows, and I knew it all along. I just have to tap into my patience.  We are under enormous pressure on all sides and yet we are still finding solace in the comfort of TTWD. It's liberating...oh how liberating! How I love and truly wish to submit my body and soul to Beast. He is my everything. What a beautiful surrender when one finally gets it!