It has been a long while since I have posted my thoughts here. Since I am sure no one is reading it I feel no sense of urgency to write. However tonight I feel a need. I deep need. I would call it a feral need to share something that has long since been buried in the recesses of my soul.
Okay...so I am feeling dramatic. It's what I am, and since I am dramatic let's just get it out on the table. I have made a huge mistake that I can't take back. I made the choice to share something I feel I deeply need and it has been denied. Not only denied but out right ignored and pushed aside. I am a SUBMISSIVE. I will always be that. I have played many, many roles in my life but I am convinced...at the age of 45, and maybe for the first time in my life I know what I am and what I feel I need and it just doesn't matter to anyone but me. Not one bit. I shared months ago with "Beast" that I am sure I need a DOMINANT. Someone to dominate me, to manage me and help to control me. He just CANNOT DO IT. It is not within his nature, his power or his desire to do it. He doesn't get it. He's tried...God love him he's tried, half heartedly as it appears to me, but he's tried but it's not possible. So I have been left with a awful choice. A horrible choice, a painful and deep down horribly painful choice...deny who I am, what I need and what I desire MOST in my life or honor and love him regardless of my predilections and needs. I have fallen on the proverbial sword and ultimately have chosen the only real choice I have. I choose to love him and our 3 boys above myself. I choose to love and serve them above me...isn't that ultimate act of submission? Probably not in this instance because truth be told I am frustrated, angry and resentful and I hold it all inside. Letting off the steam once in a while when I have a moment alone where it's safe. Usually in a flood of sloppy sobbing tears. The worst part is the anxiety and panic that comes with this deep seated unfulfilled need. I feel a horrible pressure to be the glue in our family.
I am desperately in need of a man to dominate me, love me and protect me from my demons and maybe myself. My Beast can't do that. It's not him or in his nature and really I have to admit that on some level I chose wrong at some point. He cannot or won't be what I need, but I have chosen to deny myself and honor my commitment and truly remember the deep love that I feel for him regardless of what I feel I truly and deeply need.
Part of me is resentful. I have told him a million and one times what I need what I want and what I desire and he just doesn't try in my estimation. I get angry and resentful and then push those feelings away. It's not truly his fault. I didn't know long ago what I needed when we decided to marry and have a family. We are 18 years into this marriage and he is not willing to change and I am willing to submit to the fact. Is this the ultimate act of submission....I don't know. What I do know is I want that thing that only a true M/s or D/s can experience and I know now that I will NEVER EVER get that even if I dream, beg hope and pray. It's just out of my reach and I can't leave the men I have invested and offered myself to for so many years even if it ultimately means I am lost and alone.
That's what it feels like...lost and alone in my own special circle of Hell that I can't ever escape from, and no one knows or cares that I am in this soul sucking place because everyone in this house is happy as a clam with me. I cook and clean, fix boo boos, work outside the house and give my body to Beast all the while feeling like an unfulfilled slave and shell of a woman I could have been.
