I have been struggling the past few days. Struggling with topping from the bottom. I have done it for years and it just drives B crazy! Absolutely insane. The amazing thing is that he holds it in, and he has held it in for years. He finally called me on it, called it what it was. It made me hot that he called it what it was! How is that just words do that to me?
So these past few moments we have had together have hit a all new level for me. I suggest a wooden spoon, a crop some pain play. I thought he was afraid to try it for fear of hurting me. Turns out, he is okay with it....big big smile on my face right now! The sting brings me so much closer to that place that brings me heightened joy and pleasure. It relieves a deep need that only he can touch, a itch only Beast can scratch! Last night we were sort of pressed for time, but he made time for me. Actually made time to take care of me first. He knew what I needed, he really did. He knows the 'rents are about to arrive and that is a tense situation to say the least. He knew I was tense, that the wild monkeys were driving me to my breaking point. He relieved my tension. He knew...he knows. He is still learning how to weld his power but he just...knows, and I knew it all along. I just have to tap into my patience. We are under enormous pressure on all sides and yet we are still finding solace in the comfort of TTWD. It's liberating...oh how liberating! How I love and truly wish to submit my body and soul to Beast. He is my everything. What a beautiful surrender when one finally gets it!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Why is this so hard?
Yeah, I get it, change is hard. Can't teach an old dog new tricks...all that stuff. I get it. But when you love someone, what then? What if you need the love of your life to do something so outside their nature that it seems impossible? Maybe this is mid-life talking, maybe it's desperation, I don't know. All I know is I need more, more domination...more taking control, more dominating me. Not just in the bedroom, no, more in life. Providing security, balance and boundaries. Is that nuts for me to say? I CRAVE to be dominated. To pay for my mistakes, to endure punishment and reward for good submission. How do I get this type of help...because, to me, it's help. Help for the years that I was abused and mistreated by men. I trust only one man, a Beast, but he is my Beast, and I desperately need him to learn to dominate me before I loose myself. I cannot hold on forever!
Please Beast, learn to be my Dom, my lover, my keeper and capture my heart once again like you did so many years ago! I dream of you being not only my very best friend, but my Dom FIRST and forever! PLEASE!!!! I will beg!
Maybe I just need a good fucking...oh yes, that already happened 3 times today, but I don't think you spank me nearly enough. I think you need to buy a crop or a flogger or something-fantasy, yes. Hard for Beast to handle, harder! Will he love me like that, I just don't know? I need it, but I don't know if I mean enough to him to step so far out of his comfort zone that he feels like I have for years. Angel needs to be taken to task, to be dominated. I am afraid you never will Beast. One of the many reasons I drowned my crazy personality in wine after all the crazies go to bed. But then again, you don't read this unless you are handed the keys! I am an open book if you would just open it...why am I not worthy enough?
Your Angel
Please Beast, learn to be my Dom, my lover, my keeper and capture my heart once again like you did so many years ago! I dream of you being not only my very best friend, but my Dom FIRST and forever! PLEASE!!!! I will beg!
Maybe I just need a good fucking...oh yes, that already happened 3 times today, but I don't think you spank me nearly enough. I think you need to buy a crop or a flogger or something-fantasy, yes. Hard for Beast to handle, harder! Will he love me like that, I just don't know? I need it, but I don't know if I mean enough to him to step so far out of his comfort zone that he feels like I have for years. Angel needs to be taken to task, to be dominated. I am afraid you never will Beast. One of the many reasons I drowned my crazy personality in wine after all the crazies go to bed. But then again, you don't read this unless you are handed the keys! I am an open book if you would just open it...why am I not worthy enough?
Your Angel
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
I didn't think I would survive
It's been a bit since I posted. I have had a lot on my mind and a lot to do but very little time for myself. We took the boys to Kansas for our niece's graduation from college and it was a whirlwind of a trip. We met up with B's parents and flew together then rented a car and drove everywhere together...Uggggg. B's dad is sweet and kind and very determined to do what he wants to do and talk when he wants to talk, the world be damned. Get on the train or get lost. B's mom is so hard to describe. At one time I thought her very fun to be around, but as I grow older and closer to what I really would like to be with B and our family, I feel like she is passively agressively trying to control me and everyone around her. Sometimes, contrary to when B says "she doesn't necessarily do it on purpose", I think she just wants all the attention and drama on her. It gets on my last good nerve and I cannot tolerate it very long.
I made my first BIG boo boo the first morning together at breakfast and B was very angry with me. I did it unknowingly and was ashamed when confronted. It still feels unresolved, like B will bring it up later as though I haven't paid the price yet. I have never felt that in these control type issues and problems that we ever resolve them and I feel as though B uses my previous lack of control against me. I am afraid to be assertive at all for fear it will be misinterpreted. There is never any real resolution to the problem even though I have made a HUGE, GIGANTIC and painstaking leap to relinquish control even though I don't always feel as though B wants to take the control of a situation or knows how to. Lord knows after spending time with his parents I see why he has always left it to others...damn it anyway! He was NEVER empowered by anyone. I have been so good keeping myself in check I thought, but every time I am around his mother my claws come out. She pushes my bossy controlling button. I have really worked hard to keep that in check since B and I are slowly trying this Power Exchange relationship dynamic. It is very freeing for me and I feel less stress about decisions, but it is slow in coming. B is still leery and I don't blame him, I have been a controlling freak in the past and it is much more comfortable to go with what you know.
Half the time I wish he would keep track of my mistakes and just take a day of his choosing, go over the list, tell me what I did, what needs to change and then take a pound of flesh. Spank me till my butt is red and I cannot sit down and then let it go. Sounds very juvenile doesn't it. We need for him to learn to take control of me and I need for him to teach me what he likes and doesn't like. Nothing like a little pain to make it real, the bonus, the turn on, but only if he like it too and I am beginning to think that he may not only be nervous about it, but may be turned off by my need in this area. That is a real downer for me.
I have so much going on in my head tonight-I guess I better leave it for another day. I am wishing for kink and pain tonight-I just know I won't get it. It really is just about Beast he just isn't into it I don't think.
I made my first BIG boo boo the first morning together at breakfast and B was very angry with me. I did it unknowingly and was ashamed when confronted. It still feels unresolved, like B will bring it up later as though I haven't paid the price yet. I have never felt that in these control type issues and problems that we ever resolve them and I feel as though B uses my previous lack of control against me. I am afraid to be assertive at all for fear it will be misinterpreted. There is never any real resolution to the problem even though I have made a HUGE, GIGANTIC and painstaking leap to relinquish control even though I don't always feel as though B wants to take the control of a situation or knows how to. Lord knows after spending time with his parents I see why he has always left it to others...damn it anyway! He was NEVER empowered by anyone. I have been so good keeping myself in check I thought, but every time I am around his mother my claws come out. She pushes my bossy controlling button. I have really worked hard to keep that in check since B and I are slowly trying this Power Exchange relationship dynamic. It is very freeing for me and I feel less stress about decisions, but it is slow in coming. B is still leery and I don't blame him, I have been a controlling freak in the past and it is much more comfortable to go with what you know.
Half the time I wish he would keep track of my mistakes and just take a day of his choosing, go over the list, tell me what I did, what needs to change and then take a pound of flesh. Spank me till my butt is red and I cannot sit down and then let it go. Sounds very juvenile doesn't it. We need for him to learn to take control of me and I need for him to teach me what he likes and doesn't like. Nothing like a little pain to make it real, the bonus, the turn on, but only if he like it too and I am beginning to think that he may not only be nervous about it, but may be turned off by my need in this area. That is a real downer for me.
I have so much going on in my head tonight-I guess I better leave it for another day. I am wishing for kink and pain tonight-I just know I won't get it. It really is just about Beast he just isn't into it I don't think.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Something has got to give...
You know that feeling when you are mad, just downright pissed and you know deep in your soul that you have no good reason to be, but you just are anyway. That was me last night and today. I was and am just DONE...I am still done now, after a long day, a long week! I know that B knows what I need to make it better but he is either too afraid to try or doesn't feel adequate for the challenge I have posed to him a few months ago. Getting a little kinky is easy when I buy toys or suggest or make the moves to make it happen, but when he has to step up, read up and figure out how to, oh, I don't know, spank me so hard I cry so I can release all those days of frustration, oh no....oh no, that is too much. I send him all sorts of resources facilitated stepping into a more BDSM or D/s life but it feels like Angel may not be as important and cherished as she thought she was. At least not today. There are other things keeping B's time, well that is until he want fuck Angel! Then all bets are off and Angel must be in the mood, ready to go and happy about it. I am a lot of the time, but lately, not much care has been taken in the comfort of Angel! slutty sex kitten is what he prefers without any work on the needy parts of Angel! Yes, I am totally pissed off. I manage a house of 3 boys and 1 man. I am surrounded by insensitivity, puberty and little boys needing their mum. I am just angry, and I feel resentful. Angel is resentful tonight. I want to say no way to the sex tonight...I want to punish. But I am trying to learn to be a good sub in hopes that he will at least try! I know I am not really submitting and have a long way to go, but holy batman you stupid Beast, how many things can occupy your mind before you pay true and loving attention to what you bloody well know I need. Buy a f-ing crop, figure out how to use it and help me damn it! What is the problem here!
Just as a stupid petty side note- I know no one is reading these posts and I asked B to read yesterdays....he had the time. He just chose not to...so you know what, whatever. I am not sending you notice of my posts anymore. Now I am almost assured that you will never read it over your score boards and political news crap. Fine way to treat the person you call Angel when she sings your praises! Maybe you are just a Beast!
Just as a stupid petty side note- I know no one is reading these posts and I asked B to read yesterdays....he had the time. He just chose not to...so you know what, whatever. I am not sending you notice of my posts anymore. Now I am almost assured that you will never read it over your score boards and political news crap. Fine way to treat the person you call Angel when she sings your praises! Maybe you are just a Beast!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I want to be cherished like never before...
It's funny how as I get older I remember the crazy things I did as a kid to get attention. I was largely ignored accept for when I was in trouble or worse. B and I make jokes about it now, how, if I would have done what one of our boys did when I was their age, I would have been sent to the gallows...or some such nonsense. I often felt like I needed to do bad things to make people notice me, or want me to be around or maybe I did it for shock factor. I am not going to over analyze myself too much at this point. The point being I never really felt like I was special, important or worthy of affection and care. From a very early age it seemed obvious to me that I was only created to do what others told me to do. I had no mind, no say, no opinion. Come to find out I wasn't really lovingly created at all, but rather a mistake, which in all likelihood was the reason for the mistreatment or mishandling of my fragile child heart. I think if you were to ask B he would say that in many ways I am still that lil girl with a broken heart desperately searching for approval.
So last night B read my first blog post. I was nervous thinking it was just drivel or just another rant that I hear in my head all the time. But amazingly he said I was a good writer and my heart just melted, yes, melted into a big pile of lovey dovey goo! I had to walk down the hall and put the boys to bed and sing to them so I quietly said "awww, thank you so much, that means so much to me, you have no idea" and excused myself. Luckily the lights were already out in the boys room and I could let the "lil girl" tears fall without anyone noticing. However, our ever perceptive youngest piped up when I started to sing and said "momma...are you sad?" "No baby, I am happy." Truth is, was and will always be...I cry tears of joy when B compliments me or makes me feel cherished and I also cry tears of sadness for the years I was not allowed to cry over my broken heart. For the time I wasted trying to get approval from the people who really only loved me they way they wanted to love me, not the way I needed them to. I cry for the love I missed out on because I was not whatever they wanted me to be.
B had never expected me to be anything, NOTHING. No breaking and bending me to his will. He has waited for me to come to him willingly, lovingly and with all of me. Isn't that really what a Dom does? Quietly and patiently watches and waits for the surrender of his sub? Training along the way. Funny thing is, I didn't know he was doing it and I don't think he did either. B is just a good man, a honest man, a real man who has been growing right along side me all this time. Sharing joys and deep sorrow and regret, pain and bitter frustration over many things, but we have always done it together. Grown together. Funny, B always says he was a late bloomer, well maybe that is right, we both were. I couldn't bloom until I met him, until we became friends. I think we have been working on our friendship all these past 18 years. Growing into each other, learning with each other... and now the fun begins really. It's just started. The teasing, the breaking down of my walls I needed to survive. The sex, OMG the sex...who knew? I know I don't need those protective barriers anymore with B. No reason for them to exist with us. He is my protector, my faithful lover, my honest friend and my Beast and so much more. He isn't perfect, neither am I, but what he is, is Perfect for me. I am cherished by him just because I get to be his Angel forever and ever!
So last night B read my first blog post. I was nervous thinking it was just drivel or just another rant that I hear in my head all the time. But amazingly he said I was a good writer and my heart just melted, yes, melted into a big pile of lovey dovey goo! I had to walk down the hall and put the boys to bed and sing to them so I quietly said "awww, thank you so much, that means so much to me, you have no idea" and excused myself. Luckily the lights were already out in the boys room and I could let the "lil girl" tears fall without anyone noticing. However, our ever perceptive youngest piped up when I started to sing and said "momma...are you sad?" "No baby, I am happy." Truth is, was and will always be...I cry tears of joy when B compliments me or makes me feel cherished and I also cry tears of sadness for the years I was not allowed to cry over my broken heart. For the time I wasted trying to get approval from the people who really only loved me they way they wanted to love me, not the way I needed them to. I cry for the love I missed out on because I was not whatever they wanted me to be.
B had never expected me to be anything, NOTHING. No breaking and bending me to his will. He has waited for me to come to him willingly, lovingly and with all of me. Isn't that really what a Dom does? Quietly and patiently watches and waits for the surrender of his sub? Training along the way. Funny thing is, I didn't know he was doing it and I don't think he did either. B is just a good man, a honest man, a real man who has been growing right along side me all this time. Sharing joys and deep sorrow and regret, pain and bitter frustration over many things, but we have always done it together. Grown together. Funny, B always says he was a late bloomer, well maybe that is right, we both were. I couldn't bloom until I met him, until we became friends. I think we have been working on our friendship all these past 18 years. Growing into each other, learning with each other... and now the fun begins really. It's just started. The teasing, the breaking down of my walls I needed to survive. The sex, OMG the sex...who knew? I know I don't need those protective barriers anymore with B. No reason for them to exist with us. He is my protector, my faithful lover, my honest friend and my Beast and so much more. He isn't perfect, neither am I, but what he is, is Perfect for me. I am cherished by him just because I get to be his Angel forever and ever!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
After all this time...
After all these years I still have been writing in a journal in my own handwriting. It has been a kind of cathartic sort of cleansing my soul for years. It has always been deeply private and at times frightening to go back and read. I have been writing since high school (oh dear heaven, it's been that long?) I have amassed so many and have over the years lost some, God knows where, should I be worried? Yikes.
In any case I have been thinking long and hard about writing a blog about what has been rattling around in my head for a few years now. Then I started really reading some blogs about real people living a life that fit for them, that was working for them, a life with Kink and passion. I have wanted that for us for so long. I will admit to you that the first thing that turned me on to the notion of BDSM was 50 Shade. Now, before you snicker and think I am some lame soccer mom looking for some sort of mommy porn distraction, let me share with you a little secret about me. I am a pastor's wife, went to a Christian University and grew up in a conservative Christian home. Reading that kind of "smut" is, shall we say, frowned upon by people within those circles. Not just frowned upon, but truly just thought to be wrong. Maybe it is, hell if I know, truthfully, I don't even care. I just know I am bent. I have always been bent, will always be. I am not some immoral, crazy BDSM wannabe. What 50 did was wake me up from a foggy dream I had been living for so long. We had been married 17 years and I was going thru the motions. I have been living a "double" life for years. Trading my kinky tendencies in for something I though everyone wanted, including B. I don't think it donned on me that I was a closet sex kitten, as B called me the other day. Sure, I was rebellious and promiscuous in my youth, many good Christian girls are, but when it mattered, when I was looking to solidify my life, I got down and dirty with the coverup. I covered it up so well I forgot about it myself. I played the part so well no one had a clue. They knew what I was before, the abuse as a kid, the rapes as a teen and young 20 something, they saw why I turned my life around...HAAAA! What a joke.
I was a fraud, a joke, a imposter in my own church chair every Sunday. People really only see what they want to see, don't they?
Well, 50 helped me remove my mask and start taking to B. He read 50 too and liked it. He thought it was unrealistic and a chick book, but he started to get it, sort of. He has never been a Dominant per say, but I know he is, I have seen glimpses of it. I stripped him of it for so many years. Out of love for me he gave up all his power and loved me through it, bent to my unhappiness while I was hiding from my true self. I stunted our life together for so many years! He didn't even flinch. How about that for true love, Buttercup and Wesley have nothing on us, LOL.
So now, after all this time I am asking him to be a Dom, a Master, a Sir? Not really, I am asking him to take a journey with me, for us, about us. Read with me about BDSM, about D/s, and the like, buy some handcuffs and a crop and lets see where it takes us. Let's get down and dirty, find the kink and play with it, twist it to make it just ours, for us! Discover how to free me, free us and be happy together forever. The greatest thing about this journey? The journey itself. The trial and error, the talks, the discovery of what works for us now that I am being completely honest with myself and with B. He has been afraid of hurting me, of damaging me more after all the horrible things that have happened to me. I say, blah, those days are gone. Can't go back, can't change them or avenge that wrong. What we can do is live happy, love with crazy passion and find our Kink together! We are kinky people, both of us, together, forever. God, I love being his Angel! The more he calls me that the more happy I get. It's a new thing, being HIS angel not just his wife. I even get a slutty sex kitten thrown in and you know what, it turns me on!
In any case I have been thinking long and hard about writing a blog about what has been rattling around in my head for a few years now. Then I started really reading some blogs about real people living a life that fit for them, that was working for them, a life with Kink and passion. I have wanted that for us for so long. I will admit to you that the first thing that turned me on to the notion of BDSM was 50 Shade. Now, before you snicker and think I am some lame soccer mom looking for some sort of mommy porn distraction, let me share with you a little secret about me. I am a pastor's wife, went to a Christian University and grew up in a conservative Christian home. Reading that kind of "smut" is, shall we say, frowned upon by people within those circles. Not just frowned upon, but truly just thought to be wrong. Maybe it is, hell if I know, truthfully, I don't even care. I just know I am bent. I have always been bent, will always be. I am not some immoral, crazy BDSM wannabe. What 50 did was wake me up from a foggy dream I had been living for so long. We had been married 17 years and I was going thru the motions. I have been living a "double" life for years. Trading my kinky tendencies in for something I though everyone wanted, including B. I don't think it donned on me that I was a closet sex kitten, as B called me the other day. Sure, I was rebellious and promiscuous in my youth, many good Christian girls are, but when it mattered, when I was looking to solidify my life, I got down and dirty with the coverup. I covered it up so well I forgot about it myself. I played the part so well no one had a clue. They knew what I was before, the abuse as a kid, the rapes as a teen and young 20 something, they saw why I turned my life around...HAAAA! What a joke.
I was a fraud, a joke, a imposter in my own church chair every Sunday. People really only see what they want to see, don't they?
Well, 50 helped me remove my mask and start taking to B. He read 50 too and liked it. He thought it was unrealistic and a chick book, but he started to get it, sort of. He has never been a Dominant per say, but I know he is, I have seen glimpses of it. I stripped him of it for so many years. Out of love for me he gave up all his power and loved me through it, bent to my unhappiness while I was hiding from my true self. I stunted our life together for so many years! He didn't even flinch. How about that for true love, Buttercup and Wesley have nothing on us, LOL.
So now, after all this time I am asking him to be a Dom, a Master, a Sir? Not really, I am asking him to take a journey with me, for us, about us. Read with me about BDSM, about D/s, and the like, buy some handcuffs and a crop and lets see where it takes us. Let's get down and dirty, find the kink and play with it, twist it to make it just ours, for us! Discover how to free me, free us and be happy together forever. The greatest thing about this journey? The journey itself. The trial and error, the talks, the discovery of what works for us now that I am being completely honest with myself and with B. He has been afraid of hurting me, of damaging me more after all the horrible things that have happened to me. I say, blah, those days are gone. Can't go back, can't change them or avenge that wrong. What we can do is live happy, love with crazy passion and find our Kink together! We are kinky people, both of us, together, forever. God, I love being his Angel! The more he calls me that the more happy I get. It's a new thing, being HIS angel not just his wife. I even get a slutty sex kitten thrown in and you know what, it turns me on!
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