I haven't blogged in quite a long while. Not sure why...well maybe I am. I have been frustrated. Frustrated and angry with life and with what Beast and I have or for lack of a better way to put it, have NOT been doing. We have fallen back into old habits, not engaging in actively trying to create a good power exchange and I have been depressed about it. Beast is NOT a dominate by nature. Let me say that another way. He is not a dominate in the way that most would see. I see it, sometimes, glimpses of the man that I need. It kills me when I see him dominating a room, commanding in his quiet way.
I'm just beyond frustrated and I don't know if I will ever recover. We celebrated 18 years yesterday. I'm trying to figure out how to handle what's happening. It weighs heavy, so very heavy. This kind of stress takes a toll on the body too. Not a good time of year to be feeling like this.
Praying for a better new year. Will keep on posting just to hear myself think.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Culture clash and the power exhange.
I realize that it doesn't occur to many that when you belong to someone in all ways in life, like in a marriage, that you each become responsible for one another as well as just for self. Our culture puts so much emphasis on women being independent and not needing a man to "fulfill" them or care for them-but I call bullshit. Maybe I am crazy or just getting older but I cannot understand how we can deny what is right in front of us. Seriously, why do books like 50 shades and all the other wonderful romance, BDSM, Erotica and Kink books out there get called "mommy porn" and why are moms reading them so veraciously. Hmmmm, maybe one reason is because they scratch that itch that women have to be cherished, loved and cared for. Christian Grey has become a sort of symbol for what women fantasize about however unrealistic it is. It drives Beast absolutely insane at the thought of CG being a fantasy for anyone, let alone me, and yes, he read all 3 books. He really is that composite of the Alpha male that many women are drawn to.
Now, for some of us who are attempting to embrace a power exchange type of relationship, the switch from vanilla is hard. Years of being "socially acceptable" in all things flies in the face of the notion of BDSM in most people's minds. Let me explain...
I grew up in a repressed, protestant, father domineering(not dominant), emotionally stunted household. That is what I learned from the beginning. I was beaten in name of God and told that I could have no opinion. I was told that sex was slutty, and whorish if you weren't married. I was condemned for being sexually curious and experimenting as a young person.
So that being true, what about the BDSM lifestyle is so appealing? Beast has asked me this on many occasions so I started to mull over the notion in my head. He could not-and frankly in many ways, still can't wrap his mind around the idea that being given expectation, spankings and rough scenes in our bedroom can be not only cathartic for me but also healing and arousing all at the same time. He didn't get it, maybe he still doesn't because the Power Exchange I crave is something Beast shies away from even though I am most happy in a submissive role. I accept some responsibility for this in that up until that last 2 years, I have been Topping from the bottom for our whole relationship, so to speak. I would give the reigns only to snatch them back and control the situation. That's what this damaged little girl did. I was acting like a little girl that I was never allowed to be. The little girl that craved boundaries along with the affection or "after-care" that I was built for. I never got to enjoy that as a child or a young adult...I was a mess, but the erotic, alpha male, take charge characters I was reading not only intrigued me but they excited me and made me see that I wanted more. So much more. I wanted to let go and let someone I totally trust be in command. I just love it when it happens.
Beast is my best friend and we operate on several different levels. We were friends first in college. We worked together with kids so we have been colleagues in the past, and we are lovers and parents. We have never had trouble in the friend department. We are really good at that. We have fun together and we love being around each other. A great foundation!
Beast is 2 years younger than me- I can't believe I turned 45 this year and we are just working on this now...uhhggg! Ode to be in my 20's when I had my 50 shades epiphany He grew up in a very happy household with a mom who dominates EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING-and she's a whopping 4'10"...Maybe it's like "little dog syndrome" who knows. Anyway, Beast's dad doesn't have an Alpha bone in his body. Beast never learned how to be an Alpha, but I think he wants to learn to help me, to help us. Just the dialogue has helped. Our sex life sure improved when I shed the repressed, sexually stagnated, fearful personality I was gifted from childhood...and so the Power Exchange I crave continues to evolve. We are figuring it out...it is just taking more time than I hoped it would, but change takes time.
Now, for some of us who are attempting to embrace a power exchange type of relationship, the switch from vanilla is hard. Years of being "socially acceptable" in all things flies in the face of the notion of BDSM in most people's minds. Let me explain...
I grew up in a repressed, protestant, father domineering(not dominant), emotionally stunted household. That is what I learned from the beginning. I was beaten in name of God and told that I could have no opinion. I was told that sex was slutty, and whorish if you weren't married. I was condemned for being sexually curious and experimenting as a young person.
So that being true, what about the BDSM lifestyle is so appealing? Beast has asked me this on many occasions so I started to mull over the notion in my head. He could not-and frankly in many ways, still can't wrap his mind around the idea that being given expectation, spankings and rough scenes in our bedroom can be not only cathartic for me but also healing and arousing all at the same time. He didn't get it, maybe he still doesn't because the Power Exchange I crave is something Beast shies away from even though I am most happy in a submissive role. I accept some responsibility for this in that up until that last 2 years, I have been Topping from the bottom for our whole relationship, so to speak. I would give the reigns only to snatch them back and control the situation. That's what this damaged little girl did. I was acting like a little girl that I was never allowed to be. The little girl that craved boundaries along with the affection or "after-care" that I was built for. I never got to enjoy that as a child or a young adult...I was a mess, but the erotic, alpha male, take charge characters I was reading not only intrigued me but they excited me and made me see that I wanted more. So much more. I wanted to let go and let someone I totally trust be in command. I just love it when it happens.
Beast is my best friend and we operate on several different levels. We were friends first in college. We worked together with kids so we have been colleagues in the past, and we are lovers and parents. We have never had trouble in the friend department. We are really good at that. We have fun together and we love being around each other. A great foundation!
Beast is 2 years younger than me- I can't believe I turned 45 this year and we are just working on this now...uhhggg! Ode to be in my 20's when I had my 50 shades epiphany He grew up in a very happy household with a mom who dominates EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING-and she's a whopping 4'10"...Maybe it's like "little dog syndrome" who knows. Anyway, Beast's dad doesn't have an Alpha bone in his body. Beast never learned how to be an Alpha, but I think he wants to learn to help me, to help us. Just the dialogue has helped. Our sex life sure improved when I shed the repressed, sexually stagnated, fearful personality I was gifted from childhood...and so the Power Exchange I crave continues to evolve. We are figuring it out...it is just taking more time than I hoped it would, but change takes time.
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