After all these years I still have been writing in a journal in my own handwriting. It has been a kind of cathartic sort of cleansing my soul for years. It has always been deeply private and at times frightening to go back and read. I have been writing since high school (oh dear heaven, it's been that long?) I have amassed so many and have over the years lost some, God knows where, should I be worried? Yikes.
In any case I have been thinking long and hard about writing a blog about what has been rattling around in my head for a few years now. Then I started really reading some blogs about real people living a life that fit for them, that was working for them, a life with Kink and passion. I have wanted that for us for so long. I will admit to you that the first thing that turned me on to the notion of BDSM was 50 Shade. Now, before you snicker and think I am some lame soccer mom looking for some sort of mommy porn distraction, let me share with you a little secret about me. I am a pastor's wife, went to a Christian University and grew up in a conservative Christian home. Reading that kind of "smut" is, shall we say, frowned upon by people within those circles. Not just frowned upon, but truly just thought to be wrong. Maybe it is, hell if I know, truthfully, I don't even care. I just know I am bent. I have always been bent, will always be. I am not some immoral, crazy BDSM wannabe. What 50 did was wake me up from a foggy dream I had been living for so long. We had been married 17 years and I was going thru the motions. I have been living a "double" life for years. Trading my kinky tendencies in for something I though everyone wanted, including B. I don't think it donned on me that I was a closet sex kitten, as B called me the other day. Sure, I was rebellious and promiscuous in my youth, many good Christian girls are, but when it mattered, when I was looking to solidify my life, I got down and dirty with the coverup. I covered it up so well I forgot about it myself. I played the part so well no one had a clue. They knew what I was before, the abuse as a kid, the rapes as a teen and young 20 something, they saw why I turned my life around...HAAAA! What a joke.
I was a fraud, a joke, a imposter in my own church chair every Sunday. People really only see what they want to see, don't they?
Well, 50 helped me remove my mask and start taking to B. He read 50 too and liked it. He thought it was unrealistic and a chick book, but he started to get it, sort of. He has never been a Dominant per say, but I know he is, I have seen glimpses of it. I stripped him of it for so many years. Out of love for me he gave up all his power and loved me through it, bent to my unhappiness while I was hiding from my true self. I stunted our life together for so many years! He didn't even flinch. How about that for true love, Buttercup and Wesley have nothing on us, LOL.
So now, after all this time I am asking him to be a Dom, a Master, a Sir? Not really, I am asking him to take a journey with me, for us, about us. Read with me about BDSM, about D/s, and the like, buy some handcuffs and a crop and lets see where it takes us. Let's get down and dirty, find the kink and play with it, twist it to make it just ours, for us! Discover how to free me, free us and be happy together forever. The greatest thing about this journey? The journey itself. The trial and error, the talks, the discovery of what works for us now that I am being completely honest with myself and with B. He has been afraid of hurting me, of damaging me more after all the horrible things that have happened to me. I say, blah, those days are gone. Can't go back, can't change them or avenge that wrong. What we can do is live happy, love with crazy passion and find our Kink together! We are kinky people, both of us, together, forever. God, I love being his Angel! The more he calls me that the more happy I get. It's a new thing, being HIS angel not just his wife. I even get a slutty sex kitten thrown in and you know what, it turns me on!
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