It's funny how as I get older I remember the crazy things I did as a kid to get attention. I was largely ignored accept for when I was in trouble or worse. B and I make jokes about it now, how, if I would have done what one of our boys did when I was their age, I would have been sent to the gallows...or some such nonsense. I often felt like I needed to do bad things to make people notice me, or want me to be around or maybe I did it for shock factor. I am not going to over analyze myself too much at this point. The point being I never really felt like I was special, important or worthy of affection and care. From a very early age it seemed obvious to me that I was only created to do what others told me to do. I had no mind, no say, no opinion. Come to find out I wasn't really lovingly created at all, but rather a mistake, which in all likelihood was the reason for the mistreatment or mishandling of my fragile child heart. I think if you were to ask B he would say that in many ways I am still that lil girl with a broken heart desperately searching for approval.
So last night B read my first blog post. I was nervous thinking it was just drivel or just another rant that I hear in my head all the time. But amazingly he said I was a good writer and my heart just melted, yes, melted into a big pile of lovey dovey goo! I had to walk down the hall and put the boys to bed and sing to them so I quietly said "awww, thank you so much, that means so much to me, you have no idea" and excused myself. Luckily the lights were already out in the boys room and I could let the "lil girl" tears fall without anyone noticing. However, our ever perceptive youngest piped up when I started to sing and said "momma...are you sad?" "No baby, I am happy." Truth is, was and will always be...I cry tears of joy when B compliments me or makes me feel cherished and I also cry tears of sadness for the years I was not allowed to cry over my broken heart. For the time I wasted trying to get approval from the people who really only loved me they way they wanted to love me, not the way I needed them to. I cry for the love I missed out on because I was not whatever they wanted me to be.
B had never expected me to be anything, NOTHING. No breaking and bending me to his will. He has waited for me to come to him willingly, lovingly and with all of me. Isn't that really what a Dom does? Quietly and patiently watches and waits for the surrender of his sub? Training along the way. Funny thing is, I didn't know he was doing it and I don't think he did either. B is just a good man, a honest man, a real man who has been growing right along side me all this time. Sharing joys and deep sorrow and regret, pain and bitter frustration over many things, but we have always done it together. Grown together. Funny, B always says he was a late bloomer, well maybe that is right, we both were. I couldn't bloom until I met him, until we became friends. I think we have been working on our friendship all these past 18 years. Growing into each other, learning with each other... and now the fun begins really. It's just started. The teasing, the breaking down of my walls I needed to survive. The sex, OMG the sex...who knew? I know I don't need those protective barriers anymore with B. No reason for them to exist with us. He is my protector, my faithful lover, my honest friend and my Beast and so much more. He isn't perfect, neither am I, but what he is, is Perfect for me. I am cherished by him just because I get to be his Angel forever and ever!
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