It's been a bit since I posted. I have had a lot on my mind and a lot to do but very little time for myself. We took the boys to Kansas for our niece's graduation from college and it was a whirlwind of a trip. We met up with B's parents and flew together then rented a car and drove everywhere together...Uggggg. B's dad is sweet and kind and very determined to do what he wants to do and talk when he wants to talk, the world be damned. Get on the train or get lost. B's mom is so hard to describe. At one time I thought her very fun to be around, but as I grow older and closer to what I really would like to be with B and our family, I feel like she is passively agressively trying to control me and everyone around her. Sometimes, contrary to when B says "she doesn't necessarily do it on purpose", I think she just wants all the attention and drama on her. It gets on my last good nerve and I cannot tolerate it very long.
I made my first BIG boo boo the first morning together at breakfast and B was very angry with me. I did it unknowingly and was ashamed when confronted. It still feels unresolved, like B will bring it up later as though I haven't paid the price yet. I have never felt that in these control type issues and problems that we ever resolve them and I feel as though B uses my previous lack of control against me. I am afraid to be assertive at all for fear it will be misinterpreted. There is never any real resolution to the problem even though I have made a HUGE, GIGANTIC and painstaking leap to relinquish control even though I don't always feel as though B wants to take the control of a situation or knows how to. Lord knows after spending time with his parents I see why he has always left it to others...damn it anyway! He was NEVER empowered by anyone. I have been so good keeping myself in check I thought, but every time I am around his mother my claws come out. She pushes my bossy controlling button. I have really worked hard to keep that in check since B and I are slowly trying this Power Exchange relationship dynamic. It is very freeing for me and I feel less stress about decisions, but it is slow in coming. B is still leery and I don't blame him, I have been a controlling freak in the past and it is much more comfortable to go with what you know.
Half the time I wish he would keep track of my mistakes and just take a day of his choosing, go over the list, tell me what I did, what needs to change and then take a pound of flesh. Spank me till my butt is red and I cannot sit down and then let it go. Sounds very juvenile doesn't it. We need for him to learn to take control of me and I need for him to teach me what he likes and doesn't like. Nothing like a little pain to make it real, the bonus, the turn on, but only if he like it too and I am beginning to think that he may not only be nervous about it, but may be turned off by my need in this area. That is a real downer for me.
I have so much going on in my head tonight-I guess I better leave it for another day. I am wishing for kink and pain tonight-I just know I won't get it. It really is just about Beast he just isn't into it I don't think.
No comments:
Post a Comment